33 Systems, emotional schemas, and recluse

No. 33 – 21 July 2023

Welcome to the 33rd edition of 4-TP, a weekly newsletter on building resilience and courage and pushing past your limits.

Article

These systems work to clear the mind and reduce overwhelm so you can finish what you start.

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Quote

Roman knight and Stoic philosopher Musonius Rufus, on obstacles:

“If you work hard to do what is right, do not be upset by roadblocks; think about how many of the things in your life haven’t turned out as you wanted them to, but as they should have.”

— Source: Musonius Rufus: Lectures and Sayings

Insight

The 5 emotional habits you want to avoid if you want to build long-lasting resilience to accomplish your goals: (from NY Times best-selling author Tara Bennett-Goleman):

Just like you build habits and discipline for getting up early and going to the gym, you also build emotional habits. And you build them without even realizing it. These habits can make life hard as they control your thoughts and behavior.

1/ Abandonment

This habit develops from the loss of something or someone. The belief attached to this habit is a fear of being left alone. Some of the feelings that people experience with this habit:

Sadness
Isolation

Some of the root causes:

Childhood experience of being left
Moving all the time
Having an unstable, unreliable, or emotionally distant parent

Effects:

Constantly wanting reassurance from your partner
Clinging on

2/ Deprivation

Develops when one or both parents were self-absorbed and didn't give enough attention to their kids.

The belief with this habit is, "my needs won't be met."

The feelings experienced:

Deep sadness, hopelessness
Anger from needs not being met
Loneliness

Some common root causes:

Lack of nurturance, warmth, or affection
No empathy shared towards you
Lack of guidance and direction

Effects:

You're needy
You waste money on self to fill the void
You end up being the caretaker you never had

3/ Subjugation

The core belief is, "it's always your way."

Feelings:

Hidden resentment
Anger
Feeling used or controlled

Root causes:

Childhood is dominated by controlling parents

Effects:

You become powerless, helpless
You become indifferent about making decisions
You have commitment issues
You think you're easy-going when in reality you never stand up for your needs

4/ Mistrust

The core belief with this habit is, "people can't be trusted."

Feelings:

Anger
Rage

Root cause:

A past experience like abuse or mistreatment

Effects:

You become vigilant in your relationships
You fear that people will take advantage of you

5/ Unlovability

The core belief is, "I'm not lovable."

Feelings:

Shame and humiliation from thoughts of being defective

Root cause:

Parents who are demeaning, insulting, or hypercritical
Parents sending a message of, "you're not good enough" through actions and words

Effects:

You keep a distance from people
You carry a sense of unworthiness & low self-confidence

If you want to become more aware of your emotional habits, here’s the 5-step process:

Step 1: acknowledge what's going on
Step 2: be open to your feelings
Step 3: notice your thoughts
Step 4: what does your emotional reaction remind you of?
Step 5: look for a pattern

Question

When was the last time you spent some quality time alone? Do you enjoy your own company or does it make you feel uncomfortable? If it's the latter, why?

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Till next week,
— Carlos & Stef

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34 Death, living philosophy, and legacy

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32 Mindset, character, and signposts