95 When approval becomes a leash
No. 95 – 3 Nov 2024
Welcome to the 95th edition of the True Progress Newsletter, a weekly newsletter on cultivating inner control and resilience for high performance.
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Hi friends,
Back in 2010, I was teaching English in Shanghai and found myself stuck with this weekly “social club” class every Friday. The setup? I had one hour to entertain a mixed group of students—some my age, some older—as if it were open mic night. The only rule? It had to be fun.
At first, I was petrified. It felt like being tossed on stage and having to do standup comedy without a script, and every class felt like a fresh chance to bomb. But after a few Fridays, I went from nervous wreck to feeling almost invincible, like a rockstar commanding the room. My confidence was sky-high…until something changed.
I focused on wanting people to like me instead of making it fun. The need for approval and being liked consumed me. Until I realized that it wasn't about people liking me, it was about making class entertaining, two different things.
The former made me self-conscious and overthink. The latter gave me control over myself and how I felt about myself, regardless of what happened.
INSIGHTS
*
When your relationships are all about chasing gold stars and avoiding detention slips, you’re outsourcing your self-worth to the praise (or criticism) of others. It’s like having a self-esteem yo-yo: one minute, you’re on cloud nine because someone clapped for you, and the next, you’re down in the dumps because they didn’t.
This constant dance for approval turns into a “treat-or-punishment” system that makes you feel like a trained seal, rather than a confident, independent human.
**
Living for praise from others is like putting your confidence on a leash—it’s hard to go anywhere without someone else’s “Good job!” pulling you along.
The more you chase their approval, the more you lose your own, leaving you stuck, doubting yourself, and feeling like you’re running on a treadmill to nowhere.
***
“True confidence comes not from the praise of others but from the courage to be oneself.”
— Carl Jung
CHALLENGE
For one week, replace any praise you usually give with specific encouragement that acknowledges effort or process, not outcome. Each day:
Choose one interaction where you’d typically give praise. Instead, offer a form of encouragement that focuses on the other person’s effort, determination, or progress.
Note how the other person responds. Did they seem more reflective or motivated? Do they begin taking more initiative?
Reflect on how this changes your relationship with them and your understanding of their strengths.
⌾ Reply to this email and let us know how it went.
SYSTEMS
Small Wins.
Science shows celebrating small wins cranks up your motivation and happiness, making you way more likely to actually crush it daily.
So, are you high-fiving yourself for the little victories or just mindlessly checking off to-dos?
Here’s how to start:
Set up a habit tracker in your line of sight—right where you’ll see it first thing every morning.
Add “celebrate a small win” as a daily habit, and at the end of the day, jot down something that went right, whether it’s waking up on time, tackling a tough task, getting moving, or just feeling good.
Don’t sleep on the power of tiny triumphs—they add up.
BOOK REC
Never Finished by David Goggins
Do you need a boost of motivation? Do you feel like your situation is bad? Are you in search of something more? Do you feel like you're just going through the motions and need a new perspective? This book will answer these questions and more.
Till next week,
— Carlos & Stef
